Broken heartedness

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” ~ psalms 34:18

I don’t understand why some things happen. This past month I have been completely heart broken and I can’t wrap my brain around some of it. My heart and soul actually hurts because of the different events that have happened. But God has been with me, and He has shown me some great things. He has reviled Himself to me and has been holding me through everything. His glory is shining bright. He is STILL good.

About a month ago I saw on the news that racism still exist. In America. TODAY. What the hell? Can someone please explain to me how we can not get over ourselves to see that we are all equal? THIS IS NOT OKAY. It is straight from the devil and I’m tired of it. No race is supreme in the kingdom of God. He loves all races, equally. I remember seeing the disturbing images and couldn’t help but cry. And cry out to the father asking Him to come into this situation and reveal himself. That the church would be a bridge of love and this divide that our country has would heal. Jesus, heal our land.
Fast forward a couple weeks and hurricane Harvey hits my home, Houston. My eyes were glued to the TV. My heart broken. I’ve seen damage of hurricanes in other parts of the country and world, but being in the midst of it and seeing so many people I know and care about lose everything completely took everything out of me.

I remember just crying asking God to stop the rain. Asking Him to remember His promise. My city, that is home, that I have completely fallen in love with was destroyed.
BUT GOD. I was given so much hope watching neighbors helping neighbors. I am so proud of my city. I am so proud at how we came together to help those that are in need. We don’t care about race, religion, gender, etc…We are showing our country what happens when you come together in love. This is America. This is the America I am proud to call home. This is the red, white, and blue. We will overcome this. It was amazing seeing God’s love over this city! He shone through His people. It was such a beautiful thing to watch as we broke down barriers.
Fast forward a couple more weeks. On Wednesday, September 6, 2017 I lost my bestfriend. I can’t explain our friendship. It was something very unique and something very special. He was more than just a bestfriend. He had my heart.

This is what I wrote the day after he passed.
“I don’t know how to believe it’s true.

Wednesday, September 6 I lost my bestfriend. I wish I had words. I can’t comprehend what happened.

So since I don’t have words, I’m going to tell you a little about my bestfriend.

Addison was one of a kind. He was one of my very first friends I met when I moved to Nacogdoches. He’s the only guy who has ever taken me out on Valentine’s Day. He wanted to be in my life so much that he started doing things I liked. I loved going out to Banita and dancing so he asked me to teach him how to dance, and then he became one of my favorite dance partners. He knew I loved Granger Smith so he listened to and bought all his music to become his fan. He was always willing to go to all of his concerts with me. Every time he had music out he’d call me and we’d talk about how good we thought it was. He drove all the way from Lubbock to come to my graduation, and had the best time in Lubbock for his graduation. That’s when his family truly became mine. Then how we stayed up all night talking (with no silent times that whole 6 hours) driving back from Lubbock into Van, TX to see the devastation from the tornadoes that night. And we were both so heart broken for your hometown.

Addison was always there for me. He always held me when I cried. He was the only one I wanted around when the tears starting falling. He always told me everything was going to be okay. If you knew us and saw us together, you knew his arm was always around me. He held my hand when I needed someone to be strong. If I knew any of my friends loved me, Addison was the one I knew loved me. He loved me when I didn’t love myself.

This wasn’t they way it was supposed to happen. I will never know why God decided to take him home so soon. Addison, you better be enjoying being face to face with Jesus because there are a lot of people down here completely heartbroken. We know his promises are true and I know I will see you again.

Last night as I was sitting on the couch trying to figure out what just happened, I felt his arms around me. I felt him holding me and he told me he loved me. I knew it was him from just how tight he squeezed me. I just wish I could have hugged him back. Addison, I love you so much. Always and forever. ❤️”
I was crushed. I loved him so much. I have never lost someone I was so close to. But in that moment of being heartbroken and crushed and trying to comprehend then news, God told me and showed me I wasn’t alone. He came and sat with me.

The first thing I tweeted out the next day was that I was clinging to God’s promises because I know they are true. He is still God and He is still good.

Then on the way to Nacogdoches to be be there for the funeral, God gave me the prettiest sunset to remind me He is still good.

I know without a doubt that Addison is walking the streets of gold worshiping our Lord and savior. That gives me so much peace. But I still miss him. I miss the fact that I know I’ll never get a hug from him again. I can’t call him when I’m stuck in traffic. He will never go to a Granger Smith concert with me again. We won’t get anymore of our pictures together…

I’m okay because I will see him again. But I will always miss him. I thank God and praise Him for allowing Addison to be apart of my life, even if to me it didn’t seem long enough.
Through all of this heartbreak God has reminded me how much I am loved. God is so sweet in doing that. I praise Him because for so long I didn’t believe I was. He has never left me. He has held me and carried me. He has given me friends who have prayed for me and been there to let me cry on their shoulders.

He has shown me how merciful He is. His timing. He knows what I need and gives it to me. He is healing me. And He is bringing me closer to Him. He is a good father. And despite all the heartache he is still good.
It is well with my soul.