This one is hard to write. I don’t know how to describe how I feel. The only correct words I can come up with is that the valley keeps getting deeper and darker.
About a month ago my pastor tweeted this out, “I am learning that the “valley of the shadow” is somewhat deeper, darker and colder than I knew. Still, the Lord is here. No need to fear.”
And that day I thought I knew what he was talking about, but I found out a couple weeks later that I actually knew what he was talking about.
I am completely broken. A puddle of emotions scattered on the ground. Just when I thought I was walking through the healing process of loosing my bestfriend I get knocked down again. I was promised 3 months in a country I am completely in love with. I was promised to be with a family that I love so deeply I knew only the Lord could have knitted our hearts together. Everything had come together so perfectly that I knew the Lords hand was in it. Everyone saw it and i was ready. The time had come for me to quit my job, and I stepped faithfully in that. Then the next day everything changed. The family I was going to be with called, and they were coming home-they had 10 days to leave.
Okay, God. What do you want in this? So I decided I was still going. He told me to go, and I was going to follow Him there.
Well 2 days after I decided to go, I woke up to a message from them informing me about a visa band. And guess what, it was just two weeks before I was going to leave and I was planning on buying my visa that day. (Because the visa policies and laws change so often in the country I was heading to, it was recommended to wait in case something like this happened and because we wanted me to have the correct visa when it was time to go. Plus it is online and technically could have gotten in the day before I left. So we really weren’t worried about that part. But obviously God used this to protect me…even if I am still fighting with accepting that.) Well okay, if that is not a sign then I don’t know what is. God not only shut the door, He locked it and then the door disappeared. It’s like it was never there.
But the fact of the matter is I am still completely in love with this nation and these people, and most people in my life didn’t realize just how much I loved these people. And because of my heart for this nation and these people, I am completely crushed. How do you handle something you were promised and something that you finally knew was your purpose being stripped away? Especially when it was the first time you believed you heard God speak so clearly…
Well honestly I don’t know the answer. And I have no answers in this situation…
But what I do have is that there are 3 truths that I have completely cling to and that have been unwavering.
1. His timing. – this was the first thing that was 100% clear to me. If I was supposed to have stayed at my job, this would have happened before I quit. Because I wouldn’t have quit if it happened before. He allowed me to quit and then He allowed this to happen. I’m not sure what is next or what it looks like, but His timing is always perfect, and I haven’t doubted it on this situation. (So for those of you that are disappointed in me for not asking for my job back, it wasn’t an option. I’m in the works of building my faith, not going backwards. So just stop. And start supporting me. or don’t, whatever. I don’t care, because I know I made the right decision on this one. Because I have this unexplainable peace about it.)
2. His love for me. – this one is funny because for so long I doubted it. But in the past month, and it has been a rough month (see previous post) I have never doubted how much He loves me. I have just visioned Him with His arms around me-holding me and telling me He is with me.
3. I am supposed to work in ministry. – which I’m not going to lie, this one was a little shock to me. I never imagined myself working in ministry. Ever. Not because I don’t think I can, but really because I don’t think it was ever thought about. I think I was expected to work in the corporate world, which I tried for 2 years and absolutely HATED, so it makes sense. The only time I feel that I am walking out into my calling and who God creates me to be is when I am in ministry. Now, do I know what this looks like? Absolutely not. I have a sense it’s going to be in missions and ministry. But I have no doubt God will show me, in His timing, but for me hopefully soon 😉
I’ve been surrounding myself with people I know support me. Because why do I want to be around people who don’t? But also people I know God has told me it’s okay to let in. Because the people that I have let in are the ones who continue to speak truth in my life. Because right now, I’m being completely selfish with Jesus. I need him to pick up the pieces and put me back together. I need Him to show up right now.
“You pick up all my pieces, put me back together. You are the defender of my heart. When I thought I lost me, You knew where I left me, reintroduced me to your love.” – Kari Jobe
This-On repeat. These lyrics are the only thing I can cry out right now. (Thanks Taylor for showing me this video)
I heard Oceans by Hillsong a couple weeks ago and the meaning of it was completely different than what it had been before.
“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”
I am completely placing my trust in Him, He has called me out to walk with Him because He has something so much better for me than a dead end job that I hate and am completely miserable at. I have been trying to keep afloat for almost two months now that these lyrics spoke so clearly that I felt God pull me above the waves. That He said just trust me. But what that next step is, I don’t know…
So to answer all your questions;
What am I doing now?
Am I applying for jobs?
How are going to make money?
What is you plan for the next 10 years?
*insert every single question you might have*
ANSWER-I don’t know.
All I know is I want to be in ministry and missions. And some (even some closest to me) may not support me. But I know it is time to step into who God creates me to be. I am completely trusting the Lord in this, whatever it looks like.
Thanks for walking through this with me, thanks for praying and loving me.
*if you’re reading this, and you financially supported me on my Central Asia mission, a letter is heading your way soon*