Disclaimer; longer post than normal. Very personal. May not make sense or flow well, but it did as I was typing! Haha
On March 23, 2018 I lost my grandma. If you’ve been following along at all to my journey you know I’ve been experiencing a lot of loss in my life since September. With everything that’s been going on (if this is your first time reading my blog, I urge you to go back to the first one. Don’t worry-there’s not a crazy amount of posts and they’re not long. But it’ll help give backstory.) I’ve had a hard time being able to straighten out my thoughts and well, haven’t been writing. I’ve been in a season of grief. I think that has been more frustrating than anything because (although yes, I know everyone grieves differently) there’s days when I start crying for no reason. There’s days I’m angry for no reason. I’m just an emotional roller coaster (and yes, I’m very emotional to start with so it’s kinda like on steroids).
When you’re in a season of grief, I think it’s important to not shut it out. I think it’s important to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you’re feeling and sit in it. Now, should you stay there, no. But if you don’t allow yourself time to know what you’re feeling it makes it harder later on.
When my grandma passed away, I told myself I would be okay. I told myself, you literally just did this 6 months ago. How hard could it be to push through. A lot harder than I ever imagined! So many other emotions flooded through me. There were some hard roads to walk through (that honestly, I know I’m still walking on them.)
Losing someone is never easy. Even though you know without a doubt they’re in heaven. Even when you know Jesus defeated the grave and you’ll see them again one day. It’s hard, because you’re still here on this earth. And as a human you experience pain still. And your left with all the things that know you’ll never get to experience with them. And that’s hard. You have to learn a new normal. And that’s not easy. But in that time, although you may not “feel it,” Jesus is still there. And that’s the hardest time to remember He is with you, is when you don’t feel it. But the good thing is, sometimes feelings aren’t truth. And you have to remind yourself of what that truth is.
⁃ “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” ~ Psalms 147:3
⁃ “ The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” ~ Lamentations 3:22-23
⁃ God of comfort. ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
And you can’t remind yourself of these truths of you are not in The Word. It’s just the truth. No matter how hard it is.
When I learned of grandma going home to be in heaven the only thing I could say was “it is well with my soul.”
And it is. I listened to hymns over and over. All those old hymns I grew up on. Those were the only thing my soul longed for. I couldn’t sing or listen to anything else. But what was so sweet, was that one of the last things my grandma sang in the hospital was “it is well with my soul.” I won’t get those memories or pictures with my grandma at my wedding, but I’ll forever be connected with her. Because God knew that was going to be something I’m bitter about, and he’s a sweet, good father, that He gave me something no one else can claim. A song, praising Him. Which is sweeter than anything else. 💖
Now to add on to what I’ve been learning and going through but also to kinda switch switch gears…
It’s been 7 months since I quit my job in faith. It’s been 7 months since I was unable to get on a plane and go to the one place I want to be. And I am no closer to figuring out what to do with my life than on that day I found out I wasn’t going. Actually, I’m probably further away figuring out anything. 🤷🏽♀️
*insert all the frustration*
Why? Because when you don’t know what to do with your life and everything fell apart you get questions on a daily basis from people (who you know really care about you, but honestly doesn’t help the situation) like, what’s next? Don’t you need insurance soon? What are you doing now? Have you found a job yet?
It’s just hard to answer the same thing over and over again.
Nope. And yes, I know in 2 months I’ll need enough money to pay for insurance. Trust me, I’m not naive and think a money tree is going to magically appear. Although, that would probably make life easier. 😂
It’s not that I haven’t applied. Since January, I’ve probably sent my resume to 50 places. And not all in Houston. (Because, if you know me I’m 100% okay with getting out of here.) I’ve had maybe 6 interviews from that.
*insert even more frustration*
I know God does not call us to sit and expect things to fall out of the sky. He’s not a magician. We have to actively pursuing Him, but also looking for “open doors” #clicheiveheardamillontimes
So that’s what I’m doing. I’ve been working 3 jobs the past couple months to pay my bills. And I’m tired.
So I’m learning that even in the frustration, God deserves our praise. Which I’m not going to lie, IS REALLY HARD. And He is worthy of them. But also just like in grief, to remind ourselves of His truth and promises. Because if you don’t, you fall into the pit of lies.
⁃ you’re a disappointment
⁃ You’re not living your life to everyone else’s standards
⁃ You don’t fit in because of that
⁃ You’re friends don’t love you anymore
⁃ You’re family is ashamed of you
Just a few I’ve been battling. And when this happens you pull away from the people who love you most and it becomes worse because you no longer let your community help fight those lies.
So here’s some truths;
⁃ Gods call on my life looks different than everyone else’s. AND THAT’S OKAY.
⁃ God still loves me. Not because of what I’m doing. But because of who He is.
⁃ “The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the person who seeks him. It is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.” ~ lamentations 3:25-26
⁃ It’s okay to cry.
⁃ 2 Samuel 22:17-20
So I’m going to end this post a little different. I just let you in to the very depths of what I’ve been going through. I’m going to end this with two different lists. For those of you who have been walking with me and praying for me, I’m going to have a list of specific prayer requests. Over the past several months God has used some constant situations in my life to remind me of His goodness, so I’m going to end with a list of gratitude. Because when you voice your thankfulness, it is pleasing to The Lord. And it is powerful. (Something else God had been teaching me.)
“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7
What I’m thankful for:
⁃ in January I started seminary. And on Thursdays, I knew I could walk in and just be. I didn’t have to put on a show. My class of 4 preachers (+ me!) and a professor who deeply cares and loves Jesus was the best thing for me. I needed that class more than I ever thought.
⁃ Greg & Travis Pratt. For the past 3 months I’ve worked for Greg at his cabinetry business. I needed a job, and God provided one through them.
⁃ Charlee Grace. I claim this girl as my niece. When I get to babysit her, it’s such a reminder of Gods love. She’s the best-and it melts my heart that she jumps into my arms every time I see her.
⁃ Wade Bowen’s hymn album- Then Sings my Soul; Songs for my Mother.
⁃ The royal wedding. Because I’m obsessed with love. And Meghan Markle. And it was so beautiful! For so many reasons.
⁃ A job! (Or a simple direction of what’s next.)
⁃ Not to sit in the frustration or feelings. I don’t want them to control me.
⁃ As I’m continuing seminary to let God speak to me and teach me.
⁃ To listen and hear truths over lies.