Isn’t that the most cliche thing we all like to say? Everyone sees the opportunity to point out everything they don’t like about themselves and how everything is going to change. And I sometimes have to stop myself from doing that and first take a step back and be grateful for who I am. Because just like most I make a list of things I want to change, 9 times out of 10 I end up just comparing myself to others and that is never good for my emotional or spiritual health. But I love seasons and new beginnings. I love that each season holds its own significance and growth and emotion.

And each new year, you get a whole new clean slate of 365 days to make the best of. As each day goes by each year, we can look back and see what God has taught us and learn and apply them to the new beginning. I won’t sit here and tell you that after this year I want to be completely different. I’m not going to sit here and say it has been the worst year of my life, because even though it’s been difficult and painful, there have been some sweet moments and memories. I don’t want to become someone different. But there are some things that I would like to see change in myself. But we will get there.

 

 

First, here’s what 2018 has taught me;

I’ve learned over the year that new beginnings are beautiful, but sometimes they can be hard. I walked into the beginning of this year full of pain. I thought that I couldn’t experience any more pain than what I was already in. I started this past year without my best friend. I started this year jobless. And with absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. (And to be honest, I still have no idea what I want to do-even though I have a job.) and then right after the new year, I experienced yet another loss. But not only did I experience personal loss, I saw many peopleclose to me lose someone. And honestly, I hate when my people are hurting, I would much rather feel the pain than see them hurt. I’ve learned that grief doesn’t just go away because you want it to. It doesn’t go away just because a year has gone by. That in the most random moments it hits you like a brink wall. And then you can’t contain your emotions. In grief, you don’t just grieve the person gone but you grieve the “what should have beens” and the “you should be here’s.” I learned that sometimes the best way to get by is to fake it. I learned that Joy is something that is chosen. You can be full of joy even when things around you seem to not be moving forward. And although most days, I feel like I am not moving forward and my life is just passing by while I just go through the motions, joy is still there. I learned that time spent with the ones you love is never wasted time. That even if it’s just for a few hours. I learned healing can come by sitting on the couch you thought you would sit on during holidays and talking about memories, but that also brings pain. With everything that I’ve learned, there has been some good. I started seminary in 2018 and I fell in love with learning. I started to see in myself that I can do it. I met new people. I went on new adventures. I lived life. I got a new job. I made my first A in grad school. I spent time with family. I reconnected with old friends. I learned that life is too short to not spend it with the people you want in your life. I learned to prioritize who I want in my life. The people who were there for me when I needed them. The people who lift me up and lead me to Jesus. Who when I am down, remind me who I am. Who reminded me that it was okay to cry. 2018 helped me see that family is not always blood. Family are the people who are there for you when you need them the most, who treat you like a human being. Who love you when you need it most. It’s not about having the most friends, but having the ones who count. This year was full of emotions, pain, tears, laughter, smiles, late nights, early mornings, long drives, phone calls, snap chats, but most importantly- it was full ofgrace, joy,forgiveness, growth, and love. I wouldn’t say this was the worst year of my life, but I wouldn’t say it was the best either. I would say that I madeit. And I am unbelievably ready for the new year and for new healings to come. 

My prayer for this new year and what I would like to see myself improve on-

• To be intentional with spending time with God outside of school (confession time; I got in a really bad hole of letting my school work be enough time in The Word)

• To get back to my healthy living (another confession time; if you know me and have seen me in the past year I have gained all my weight back plus some. Because I have found comfort in food. And I know it is partly why I have been miserable.) So here is to 2019 becoming healthy again! (But also enjoying life too ;)) 

• To go on an adventure by myself. I know that sounds crazy. But I have been saying that for about 2 years now and I haven’t done it yet. I think that is will be healing for me. To go and get away and put my phone down and just be. I refill by doing things on my own.

• To not complain as much. Complaining shows I am not grateful, and I want to be grateful for what Jesus has given me. 

• To open my heart again. In a strange way I have hardened my heart. I am afraid of letting people in again, because when you do all you do is get hurt. But I know that the harder you grieve, the harder you loved. And I don’t want a life without love. 

• I want to be present. I want to put my phone down more and be with the people I am with. (So If you try to get ahold of me this year and I don’t respond right away, don’t take it personally) 

• I want to not let what others think of me (or what I think others think of me) control me.

• To write more. I love writing these blogs. And I have no clue if anyone reads them. But honestly, I don’t care. I write them for me. To help me process and remember. 

So here’s to walking with me into this next year! Let’s see what God has in store! 

 

 

Just a few pictures from my 2018: